Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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