I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
