She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
How does one acquire holy water?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
