i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
