The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
