I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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