My liver just broke up with me...
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
