disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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