I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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