wrigley field is MILF paradise
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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