Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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