I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
