the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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