We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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