I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I currently don't understand fingers.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
