I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
