pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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