Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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