its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize