just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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