explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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