Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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