I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you donโt have to recycle anymore ๐๐
Randomize