I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
