I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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