Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize