i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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