i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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