I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
