Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
i've created a new STD.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
