I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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