I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize