Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm like, not good at living.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize