Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
