You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize