I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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