god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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