Sorry, I don't speak sober.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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