I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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