dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
