the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
