I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
