i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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