We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
