Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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