Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
