woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
