Got a toothbrush?
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
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