I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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