Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
