i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
