Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
