Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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