I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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