when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
