You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
