guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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