Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
