I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
