she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
