I think my fart just growled at me.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
