wrigley field is MILF paradise
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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