God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
